Old habits...

Everytime I try and convince myself that I will never write in this blog again, months later I find myself back here. See that's the thing, time goes past but nothing really changes. My mind will never change, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try.

Things have got really bad lately, my mum passed away in the middle of May and everything else seems to be falling apart. I just want to isolate myself from it all, I need to take back control. In a time that everything feels so uncertain and horrible I just want to focus on me and myself, my life.

Some people at times of sadness and desperation turn to god and religion, I turn to Ana. She tells me how to sort myself out, how to be ok. It's not even that I need telling, I know what I need to do. I need to feel the pain of hunger, I need to be rid of the fat that is stopping me from being happy.

I want to be happy.

That's all I want

UGh

I am really getting rather sick of work at the moment. I am sick of seeing my colleagues who are apparently on diets sitting opposite me eating cupcakes, biscuits, sweets and talking about food constantly. It actually makes me feel a bit ill.

Hearing about Valentines plans as well is getting right on my nerves. I really don't care what my colleagues and their partners are up to tonight but for some reason I keep being told. It is a normal Tuesday, we are at work as normal.... it is commercial rubbish with the true meaning completely lost. I want to be treated nice all the time, not receive lavish gifts on certain days of the year.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm completely sane and the whole world is just bonkers or whether it truly is just me that's crazy? Answers on a postcard.

Confused

Hi Errbody,

Last night I had a couple of bowls of cornflakes for dinner. I think I might go back to my cornflake diet, 1 bowl for lunch (if at all) and 2 small childs bowls for dinner. I bloody LOVE cornflakes! I need to start exercising more though, will be doing Zumba on the Wii this evening and might go out for a walk for like 30 mins-1hour. I can't decide what to have for lunch today, I might be naughty and have 1 bowl of cornflakes at my desk. I'm not sure if I am even hungry anymore though? Maybe I'm just thirsty again.

I am really trying hard to resist the temptation to find my scales so I can weigh myself everyday. It's driving me a bit mad not knowing my progress until the week is up. Saying that the theory is a weekly reading will be more accurate and impressive. I'm keeping all the printouts for reference.

I just want to go home right now, I don't like being at work and feeling constantly judged. The minute someone finds out your on a diet they start getting involved and asking questions. It's really quite ridiculous. Just because I'm not stuffing my face doesn't mean I'm starving myself.

Ugh :(

The Wanderer Returns

Hello,

What a difference a year makes. Life has changed somewhat, C is out of the picture which breaks my heart just a little bit, in a different job for a different company....... I have been eating well (a little too well) since March 2011 ish..... weight has gone straight back up again. :(

I am going on holiday to Iceland in a few weeks time, majorly excited about it too. Will post some pictures on here once I get back! This weekend we are going to get our currency changed up :D.

I promised myself that I would never write in this blog again as it brings back some bad memories but as it seems I have given in. It tears me apart to read my old posts and think about all the hard work that I have put to waste last year by over eating. I have been on a diet for the past week and lost 6 pounds (just slightly cutting back and no snacking) I haven't been weighing myself daily either and instead weekly I will go to Boots and get a print out so I have a hard copy record of my progress.

I think I need to start devising a weekly menu though, I don't like the thought of not knowing what I am going to have to eat each day and the calorie content. Maybe I will even post it on here again. For lunch today I am going to walk for the whole hour and just drink water, I've already drunk so many cups today. I'm gutted I forgot to take my diet pills this morning.

I better go anyway, I am supposed to be working :P.

X

Im back.

Cant believe how long its been since my last post. Ive missed it. Things with me and C sort of hit the skids, messed me up majorly tbh. I will do a post about it soon. Just wanted to let people know im still around X

Sincere apologies

I haven't updated in ages... I have been very sick and not been able to access my pc. Today I am starting to get better... I have tonsilitis atm which sucks. On the upside i'm not at work :)

Interesting piece of news- I am looking into doing a degree with the open university. I really want more qualifications. Im going to do a law degree but it starts feb 2012, so in the meantime I am going to do short courses in psychology and social sciences. I just need to register and put the wheels in motion.

yuck

2 bowls of cornflakes
1 packet of prawn cocktail crisps.

feel sick/guilty/fat/ugly and horrible etc etc.

C is coming over tonight. This makes me happy. We are closer than ever atm. Thing is though I like us how we are. I don't think I want a relationship. I just want us to be like this forever. Putting a label on what we have just injects the poison into us.

I just can't wait for all this to be over. When i'm skinny everything will fall into place.

I'm an ordinary girl with an ordinary waist, but ordinary just isn't good enough today.

Bad Times

Yesterday was one of the worst days. I didn't eat anything all day and went for a run for like 4 miles. I passed out in the street and was sick. Not good. I called C and he came and looked after me. He is such a gem, I really do love him. I will not be exercising anymore I have decided. Totally isn't worth the hassle!

Today so far I have had some chunks of chicken breast dipped in nandos peri peri sauce yummy!

phew!

still lost 3/4 of a pound lolz. Today :

2 bowls of cornflakes
2 peri peri chicken breasts. too addictive!

Plenty of walking today though. Let's see what happens!

binge zally binge

I feel sick.

2 bowls of cornflakes
1 packet of prawn cocktail crisps
2 chicken breasts wrapped in bacon with cheese
handful of carrot batons.

nuff said.

Happy!

Yesterday I ate 2 bowls of cornflakes and a bowl of prawn cocktail crisps and still managed to lose a pound! I was worrying about it all night as well.That's something. What to eat today though.. that is the question.

I don't know everything

First of all after my "binge" yesterday I still lost 1 pound. Made me smile all day. Today I have had 2 bowls of cornflakes with skimmed milk. Not too bad. Around 400 cals ish! During lunch today I went clothes shopping with a girl from work as she needed a dress for the xmas party this friday. She's really pretty and a size 8. Perfect really... grrr! In a way it was really nice walking around picking out clothes for her even though secretly in my head I was picking for me. It just made me think how amazing it will feel to pick out size 8 clothes.

Oh my god... in Warehouse I tried on a dress in a size 10 (jersey stretchy fabric) and it looked really good. It is soooo rare I think I look good in something so was a bit strange. Its £60 and I haven't bought it yet but will definately at some point. I thought I was trying on a 12 but it was a 10 on the wrong hanger. Made me feel really good about myself actually as I would never have tried on a 10. It hugged in all the right places and just made me feel pretty. I love it. :D Now all I need is somewhere to wear it to! I'm thinking a date with C!!!!

 Isn't it pretty!!!!

Lost another 2 pounds, wicked. Today i'm eating quite alot. I had about 10-15 carrot batons and 2 chicken breasts in piri piri marinade. Around 500 cals consumed today. Could be much much worse and it tasted beyond amazing! My thoughts are all over the place though. I'm sure I will feel awful later about eating so much. grrr.

Back to work

Well tomorrow I have to return. Don't really want to if i'm honest! On the upside while i'm at work i'm not around the house tempted by food. If anyone dares offering me biscuits they will feel my wrath! Today I had a pack of prawns, 1/3 of a pack is only 65 calories!!! Loving that. Lost 2 pounds since yesterday... not bad. So far since Thursday I have lost 8 pounds. Pretty chuffed really! I went from _ _.4   to _ _.9. I think thats 8 :S

Can't wait until I start really noticing the weight drop off. Will be a good couple of weeks before it's noticeable I think. I need to hide it as much as possible though when it is obvious. I don't want any comments or anything. People at work can be so nosey like that. The women are very competitive and at the moment i'm not really seen as competition but it gets alot bitchier the prettier you are. Sad but true. That's the main reason i'm not bothering with the xmas party, it's all about who is wearing what and getting off with what bloke. So superficial. I booked the day off work so I can avoid any questions.

I'm sure I will post again before I go to bed!

Insomnia O clock

So I am still up at 11 minutes past midnight. I am already excited about weighing myself tomorrow morning. Is that sad? I can't stop thinking about what I am going to eat and how many cals are in it and how much exercise I am going to do. I can feel myself slipping into the mindset but in a way I am perfectly happy with that. Whatever gets me results quickest in my opinion. I did think I had a bit longer before the obsession set in though. It's like i'm in control but i'm not. My thoughts aren't mine if that makes sense, it's something that pops into my head and it's like another person telling me what to do. Telling me I need to keep cutting back and that everything will be better. That I will look much better for the next time I see C.

My head hurts :(

xfactor results

Thank GOD Wagner is gone!!!!! Katie deserved to go as well, finally my 2 least favourite contestants have been kicked off. I think Cher and Mary will go next, leaving it between Matt, Rebecca and One Direction. I want either Matt or O.D. Rebecca isn't a bad singer but I don't really like her style of music.

Yay Yay Yay.

As previously mentioned- The Plan

The plan is basically to lose as much weight as I can and as quickly as possible and from there reinvent my image. I want to be someone else. If I can do all this I know I will be happier than I am at the moment and this can only be a good thing. Noone has said anything nasty to provoke all this, just a switch in my head has been turned on and suddenly I am very aware of the fact I don't look great as I am and if I was to be slimmer it would just improve my life. All I can think of is how I am going to lose more weight. So far since Thursday I have lost 7 pounds. I am eating 2 bowls of cornflakes a day. I am going to review this though as it feels too much. I have some great pills though which are aiding the weight loss. In total I am looking to lose around 4 stone for the moment. I know I want to lose more but thats my goal for now. I will be updating with progress as I go along. Maybe even posting pictures as my body starts to change. I am thinking of going on one of the machines that does print outs of your BMI and stats once a week then I could post that on here for week on week comparisons. I am weighing myself everyday though so will post daily how much I have lost compared to the day before.

This is so exciting, and really is the start of a long journey.

Things to do

• Find youtube thinspo videos
• Research diets: ABC and 2,4,6,8 look appealing
• Devise a daily diet plan
• Devise an exercise plan, I hate it but I think it has to be done.
• Possibly buy a dress to slim into???
• Make some buddies in similar situations.

I will update on progress soon :)

Some nice little sayings

* You will never know true happiness
until you have truly loved,
and you will never understand
what pain really is until you have lost it.
* The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.
*To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Cute huh?

Welcome to my life

Greetings to anyone that is reading.

Let me give a bit of background info...

I'm Zally, i'm 20 and I live in a flat on my own in London. I am a happy person and I appreciate the small things in life. I love to laugh and I enjoy my life. Most of the time!

I work in accounts full-time. I enjoy my job to an extent but my office is a bit mental really. It's like The Office only Ricky Gervais is a woman. Same sort of dynamics and madness but all fun and laughs at the end of the day. I have made some great friends and I am lucky to work on a good team of people. In terms of my career, I have no idea what I want to do in the future. It does scare me in a way because I genuinely don't know where I will be in 5 years time. Most people at least have a fair idea. I would love to work in fashion but it is so hard to get into the industry I am considering going down a different path.

I have no significant other at the moment. It's my own fault really after my last relationship I haven't really put myself out there as such. There is a guy I really like and will probably mention crap loads in my blog, but he is like my best friend I guess. I've known him since the summer and we go through phases of meeting up loads and not seeing each other for weeks. When we are together it is like we are a couple but it's all unofficial and stuff and I know he is seeing other people, but then again I have as well since we got to know each other. It's a strange situation really but neither of us are prepared to put our neck on the line and say anything about it. I tried to once but it was so awkward I sort of laughed it off. I am working on it though, I have a plan which I reveal in a separate post. See I told you he will be mentioned a fair amount!!

In terms of family life, we aren't very close and I don't see them much despite them living so near. I am happy with this. I have no issues with being on my own and to be honest I love my own company often more than anyone elses... as bad as it sounds. I find whenever I go home there are arguments and I just leave feeling crap so for that reason I generally stay away.

As a person I am not overly confident. I don't like the way I look and have major issues with my weight. I accept that I am overweight and I know it's my own fault. I have a weird relationship with food. I can be totally fine and eat whatever I like for months but at random intervals I get voices in my head which will completely change my views on myself and my diet. When I am in this stage I get addicted to not eating and losing weight and it controls my life. I am in this stage now, and I fear I will be for a long time. I am a very articulate person and a total perfectionist so when I do anything it is done to the best of my ability. So when I diet I just can't be happy with losing a couple of pounds a week. On average I lose around 7 pounds a week when I am dieting and the quick results is what keeps me going. I am very lazy and unshamed of the fact I loathe exercise. Any weight loss I have is due to cutting back food but I will always wonder how much results would be boosted if I did exercise. If I ever hit a plateau where I can't lose weight I will definately consider exercising.

I hope this gives an insight into what sort of person I am and I will be updating this alot with new stuff as it happens and also random facts and information thrown in.

I hope you enjoy X